Change

Hello!
I'm moving my blog page to Wordpress.  The address is https://atrillleader.wordpress.com.  I have also a Facebook with the same title.  If all goes well, there will be an instagram and pinterest page in a few weeks.

I will keep you posted.

Peace,
Phyllis

Healing

      “Life is a game, play it”

               -Mother Teresa

I finally felt a sense of relief in my back.  The constant pain has kept me up at night, it limited my scope of moving around, and it hurt to walk around the block.  Nothing seemed to relive the pain or the way I was feeling.  I was seriously wondering if something was physically wrong with me.

Over the past weeks, months, and year; I have been inundated with a series of events that have left me depleted.  It seemed that I was always fighting with the world or felt like world was against me. I was at a point of my life that I wasn’t ready to forgive anyone, because it was easier to hate them. 

We take it for granted the toxic nature of hate.  It leaves you self-righteous, self-centered and sometimes a little delusional about what is right and wrong.  Marianne Williamson stated that not forgiving someone leaves you in a worst position, because it keeps you locked in the moment of the hurt.  

The hurt and the pain becomes a filter. A filter that clouds our thoughts and emotions, it clouds memories, and it clouds our ability to be compassionate.  It creates a cloud of reality or perception.

I always tell the story of the winter in Munich that my husband and spent there while he was working on his dissertation.  Every day we saw people walking their dogs and didn’t clean up after them.  Over the next few months of record snow fall, everything seemed perfect beautiful snow drifts and happy dogs.  Until the spring thaw started to happen.  Over a course of a few weeks, the melted snow made something apparent, a yard covered with dog feces.

We’re human, no one’s perfect.  We can’t run and hide from flaws or gaps in our lives.  I’m amazed how you mind and body looks for ways to heal itself.  Sometimes, it’s easier, just ignore them to the signs, then they will go away but that is not the case.  Eventually everything catches up to you. 

Humility

“A writer cannot communicate hope, love or encouragement without humility”

                                                                                         -Vinita Hampton Wright

Have you met someone that you admire and was pleasantly surprised that they were not a jerk?

Last week, by chance I got to meet Fr. James Martin at the Los Angeles Religious Education Conference. I was having a great time with my daughter and friends. I was recovering from a yucky week (see blog post #3).  I stumbled upon his book signing station.  It was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up.

I have been at the same conference several times and failed to get a book signed by him.  Now is my time I thought, but I didn’t have any of his books on me.  While in line, my daughter helped me find an appropriate item to have him sign, which was my writing journal.  

In my three minute conversation with Fr. Martin, I shared how much I loved the interview with Stephen Colbert.  They did a recent interview about Lent, and here is the interview.  Their moment of goofiness and being “trill” brought back a lot of good memories, restored me from a bad week, and motivated me to be mindful of others

He looked at me with his expressive eyes, and touched my hand and said “I know, wasn't it great!” No joke in less than a second, he started singing one of the songs with me!  I can't believe I actually laughed with him!  I shared a moment with Fr. Martin!

I quickly shared with him my dream about being a writer; he was definitely in the moment and asked St. Thomas Aquinas to pray for me!

And, he wasn't a jerk!

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Over the past year, I have been gaining insights about making mistakes. I'm fully aware and know that we are human and make mistakes. I have made my share of mistakes lately and feel absolutely horrible about them.  Without revealing details, it’s been interesting to experience someone admitting to a mistake that they have done to you. 

It goes both ways. People will not believe in you unless you have the humility to admit your mistakes, as well as accept the apologies of others when they admit mistakes, not as a gesture but wholeheartedly as a way to reconcile and move on.   

Even though I don’t know Fr. Martin, that chance meeting helped me understand the power of humility.  He may have not admitted any mistakes to me in person, but he does reveal them in his writings.  Fr. Martin is good to admit his mistakes and reveals his humility in those situations.  

He is an amazing author who has the ability to heal with his words.  Through his several books, I have been able to appreciate that I’m not alone in this world; I just need to find small ways to quiet myself and find God in all things.  Sometimes it’s easier to say than to do.

I guess the reason why I was so touched by the moment of goofiness with Fr. Martin is that I was part of the same goofiness that he shared with his friend Stephen Colbert.  He was singing with me the same song, with the same energy and delight.  He was consistently himself!

Author Vinita Hampton Wright, shares that our ego is a part of the human experience, but in order to write with truthfulness and honesty, humility is necessary for the writer.  Even though, not everyone strives to be a writer, I believe this is true whatever your profession is.  

Life Matters

“Be extra kind to each other, because everyone is dealing with something”

                                                                              -Plato and Steve Barry

Have you ever being pulled over by either a police officer or a deputy and you knew that you didn't commit any known traffic violations? 

Being an African-American, female in this situation, there isn't a word that could capture the feeling other than sheer panic, but the one thought that kept racing in my head, “please don't make a mistake” and I prayed to God “please don't let him make a mistake.”

I was pulled over by a Sheriff’s Deputy shortly after I passed his Unit.  I was taking our daughter to school, a little later than usual because she wasn't feeling well. The “Hill” is the nickname for their High School.  It is positioned 1,500 feet above the San Gabriel Valley and located in an affluent predominantly white neighborhood.

I thought it was odd to see him there.  I even mentioned it to Sami as we moved on up to the school.  The deputy used his blow horn and me asked to pull over, and taps on my window and I roll it down.  A series of questions starts to come out; “what are you doing here?” and “was this my car?”   After answering the questions, he looks at me again, and says “oh you're not who we're looking for, sorry.”  And he takes off.  “What?!”

I felt horrible for two reasons; I don't like being questioned by anybody, because it always feels like a trap, and I didn't want to believe my gut because it’s usually right;  he pulled me over because I was Black. 

Unfortunately, my gut was right, I was pulled over because I fit a description.

I made a few calls after I arrived to work.  I was still a little shaken, when I finally reached the Watch Commander.  I proceed to tell the Lieutenant my story and ended it with, “I am an African-American woman driving a Mercedes Benz taking my daughter to school; so what are you looking for?”  The Lieutenant said simply, “we're looking for someone that fits your description”   “Really?”  “Yes, really”

I would soon find out that the area has been hit hard with home invasion robberies and burglaries. African-American women have been driving around the area in Mercedes and other luxury cars, looking for homes that seemed unoccupied and they make a call to nearby crew to help them break into homes.

The Lieutenant was patient with my questions. I was realized during our conversation, we were both frustrated.  He was because these people have been able to elude his deputies and until this situation has been resolved, I could be pulled over again, because I fit the description.

There isn’t any easy answers or solutions because this a complex situation.  Lately, I feel like I did as an eight year old in 1968.  Everyone and everything around me seemed so angry and sad.  Nothing felt safe and secure.

Since I believe things happen for a reason, I have been searching within myself to understand, “why did this happened to me?’ and “what do I need I need to do with the insight?”

Hesitant

"Make a start. You make not be entirely ready and may have to stop on the way for repairs, but all the same - start.  Some people are always making and never staring, so they never get anywhere because they never start. It is better to start, even if you have to return and begin over again.  It shows your intention to win out, and that will encourage your backers, or find backers if you have none." - Dr. Kelly Miller

A year ago, I couldn't ignore this desire to be a writer. It’s strong and unrelenting.  I had to listen to it and started to learn what it meant to be a part of the literary world.  So far, I have taken six on-line courses, attended numerous workshops, went to several author book signings, and read books on different types of genre.

The key learning that has ran throughout my quest; one must deal with their inner critic.  One must find a way to quiet that inner voice.  A voice that will cast fear and doubts.  Some days are easier than others to keep moving and not stop.

There is a place for the inner voice though when it comes to safety and security. How many times have we screamed at the television or a movie screen, telling the heroine about the impeding danger, “don’t go in the house, the monster is in there.”   The voice of dreams is a different story like a fairy tale. My favorite tale is Cinderella, “a dream is a wish that your heart makes.” 

Based on this literary activity and research, it made sense to start a blog.  I had several people to tell me "just start blogging, you'll be fine."  Still I couldn't bear to start writing until one afternoon last month.  I got the best advice from my writing coach, who told me “you will make mistakes.” “Acknowledge it, if possible correct it and keep moving.”   

My inner voice seemed to like the advice too.

There is no excuse for me not to try and write, I will not though quit my day job anytime soon! I just need to keep moving forward.  Failure is not trying, it’s not for trying!

Peace

Perseverance

"Fix you mind on what you aim at and never lose sight of it.  It is your target. Fix a straight road toward it.  This will enable you to get there sooner, and if there are competitors, you will outdistance them." - Dr. Kelly Miller

Looking back over the years, I have been surprised and disappointed with people in my life; friends, family and acquaintances, sharing their unsolicited advice or opinions about my dreams; "you can't do that, be realistic!"

But, equally, life can bring you beautiful moments that make you speechless; "you're amazing, how did you do that?"  My husband gently chided me and helped me remember those incredible special people, who had the courage to let me know that I was on the right path; "don't give up, just keep going."

I wasn't quite sure what triggered these comments. They could make me feel hurt, supported, or sometimes confused me, but it never derailed me off the path to give up on my dreams.

Either conversation helped me to clarify what I wanted to do.  I was able to rebut future comments and strengthen my focus.  I'm not sure if it was being stubborn, but adversity in any form allowed to me to be in control of my dreams.

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The external critics were one thing, but the issue that needed to be dealt with is my inner critic.  The voice inside me that says ""maybe those people are right, no wants to read what you're writing,"  It makes the external critic seem quiet and reasonable!

Along the way, I found wonderful people that helped me come to terms with my inner critic. My critic slowly became a voice.  It wasn't harsh like a critic, but a voice that allowed to hear what my heart is telling me like "writing takes time and effort, just find ways to get better."   It's a dialogue that helps me stay on course.

What are your dreams that you're now pursuing? Better yet, what is your inner voice saying to you?